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Is there a reasonable price for things that we like?

Someone used to tell me that oneapos;s dream is more important than money. So donapos;t get stuck with Biochemistry. Follow what my heart is telling me. Now This same person is thinking about quitting academia because the world outside is offering him 5 times more money than a professor position.

In some way, I was disappointed but more than that. I�am scared.

I was taught that everything is measurable in terms of money. Without money, you canapos;t do anything. My father was a practical man because my grandparents got divorced before he got into college. It was when the family needed the money the most. My grandfather just decided to marry someone else because his mistress was pregnant and threatened to attempt suicide. Yup, pretty much like all the drama.

My parents always talks about money around the house. We measure love in terms of money. Its like an occupational hazard for the accountant family. Well, we are pretty traditional too, so my parents never really tell me they apos;loveapos; me. The word apos;loveapos; is too strong in Mandarin. So instead, the literal translation for that is more like apos;donapos;t look at the price, if you like it, we will get it for you as a giftapos;. Ironically, I never really spend money on frivolous things unless I�really like them. It always takes me forever to decide if I�would actually like something enough to purchase it for the price I have to pay for. However, it is a lot easier to buy gifts for someone else. Even if I�think itapos;s a bit pricey, I am willing to pay for it. It is a gift, and I�hope they will enjoy it. So the price shouldnapos;t matter.�

Until one day. Someone backed up from their offering of getting me something I�want because it is too pricey. At first it was just unpleasant. Later, the incident occurs to me as a rude gesture. Does the price really matter if that is what I really want? Or should I just happily accept the lesser version of something that I�donapos;t want in the first place?

I donapos;t like to beg people, and for whatever fucked up reasons I am insecure.
I donapos;t want to say money makes me feel secure, but thatapos;s how I interpret it.

This is the reality we live in

It is so clear. He doesnapos;t see things or commit the same way I want him to.


Thatapos;s why I should never pay to beg for the love I thought I can find outside the house.

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Sometimes I go places and just sit, and watch. Sometimes I watch people, but most often I watch nature. I spy a blade of grass and inspect it closely, then smile and laugh a little. For here is a little wonder that no one has cared to spy before.

Other times I watch my own thoughts, I close my eyes, and give my mind the roaming freedom it often struggles for when it makes me jump through ten subjects in the space of a single moment, most often when I am trying to study the night before a test. So it makes sense that now and again I should resign and just say "Go, wander where you wish, ask the questions youapos;ve been dying to ask." When my mind has asked and pondered what it wishes and all my thoughts have quieted, I open up my eyes.

Then I feel that for a moment or two I can see the picture of life, in itapos;s discrepancies, pain, confusion, continual endeavor, and disappointments. The truths of the human condition. However, then it all changes... I remember mercy, peace, commitment, love, harmony, truth, and grace. All God given to a world in need.

This world isnapos;t perfect I realize, but without pain and suffering how then could we measure the limitlessness of Godapos;s faithfulness and love? Sometimes closing my eyes for a while and then reopening them as if for the first time, I can see this lifeapos;s purpose a little more clearly.
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